I vowed I would not critique the dresses from the Oscars. I almost accomplished that vow. Almost.

For the past two days I’ve been listening to the professionals whose job it is to understand fashion and parlay it into simple reviews for the rest of us. The problem is, they are wrong.

So now I feel it is my duty to the common American woman to say exactly what each of them were secretly thinking. Let’s begin with Gwyneth Paltrow, a favorite of all the fashion policemen. Are you kidding me? Do you know what I thought the instant I saw her? I asked my husband if he knew where our old shower curtains were. They called her dress ‘liquid silver’. I call it ‘sew two shower curtains together’. Stop sewing right past the breasts, but don’t worry with necklines or straps. Don’t believe me, check out the four inch hem on the bottom. See! It’s a pair of shower curtains.

Another disagreement; Hillary Swank. She is beautiful. The gown was lovely. The gown on her was a disaster. Her breasts looked like they belonged to a seventy year old woman, sinking down well past her arm pits. Hillary, you are too gorgeous to wear something unflattering. Fire your stylist.

Jennifer Hudson was a stand out! The tangerine gown, new svelte figure, bronze skin and elegant updo, combined to make her gorgeous. Do not listen to the naysayers. They are jealous.

Nicole Kidman was wrong on so many levels. Save the whimper for the nuns, the lobster bib for Bob’s Crab Shack. Do not tie it around your hips. That was a peplum gone bad! And the hair, seriously, a pony tail? For the Oscars? What is the message? Are you too cool to bother with a hairstylist? Yet you made way too much time for the facial injections/lasers/implants, or whatever it is that makes the tissue inside your lips roll out when you smile and freezes everything else into non-expression. I’m astonished. You are too elegant to resort to this. Read my advice to Hillary Swank.

Marisa Tomei, half of you was delightful. The other half…well, good to see you out at the Oscars again. You’ll get it all right next time. Think of it as being half way there.

Jennifer Lawrence confused the Oscars with Baywatch auditions and came up with the gown that was a combination of the two. The red bathing-suit-body-hugging-style gown mixed with long flowing hair, reminded me of young Pamela Anderson. Was her purse a rescue canister?

And Cate Blanchette, come back to planet Earth. Why did your gown have curtains behind a portal opening in the front and wing flaps for sleeves? Why were yellow naval ropes hoisting up the back of the lavender disaster? Why the dress at all? As for those critics who said we couldn’t appreciate your fashion-forwardness and the design house of Givenchy, here’s a tip. If you have to explain it, it probably isn’t a good idea. I’d love to see you in a Greek one- shoulder or even a shower curtain. Yikes!

As for the plethora of nude, one was interesting, two cute, but after the third it becomes boring. For a moment I thought my television had lost color. Halle Berry looked amazing, but if that same gown had been emerald green, we would have swooned!

Helena Bonham Carter wore something from the Hogwart’s wardrobe, but it seemed like an improvement over previous appearances. And please give John Lennon’s glasses back to Yoko Ono.

Amy Adams was almost perfect. The problem, the microphone that hung from her neck disguised as an emerald. What the …?

Michelle Williams has the tiny features that can pull off a pixie cut, very Mia Farrow. But if you put crystals on a tee shirt dress does it make it an Oscar gown? I don’t think so.

What happened to Melissa Leo’s real gown? I know she didn’t plan to wear to wear the table cloth from Twilight. Perhaps she is trying to get a role in a vampire movie. Sharon Stone could help her. I think she came straight from the set of ‘The Birds.’

Hailee Steinfeld was perfect. So was Natalie Portman, Mila Kunis, Helen Mirren, Penelope Cruz, and Sandra Bullock. But Sandy, the hair seemed a little severe.

My hands down favorite was Reece Witherspoon. Her gown had the tuxedo look, with the white swath across the black strapless bodice. I also like her hair. Pay attention Nicole Kidman, if you are going to wear a ponytail, style it up like Reece. She looked like a Barbie from the sixties! Fabulous!

Ann Hathaway looked flawless in every gown. Her stylist will be the most sought after in Hollywood following the Oscars, unless she’s the same one that dressed Cate Blanchette.

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